


if a flower can grow in cracks in a wall, love can grow here (if only you would let it)

by Garecc



Series: A Ballad Of Magic And Terror [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (but like because of house agreements, (good for her), Abraxas Malfoy is a Dick, Angst, Arranged Marriage, Child Abuse, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I Cannot Stress that Enough, Imperius Curse (Harry Potter), No beta we die like regulus, Out of Character, Teen Romance, also im gay for narcissa, and originally Andromeda was to marry Lucius but she ran away, and she's chill with it, anyway actual tags again, baby narcissa.. must have been so cute...., like really dont read this Lucius is so fucking ooc this was just me projecting onto him, so i could write about narcissa being romantic, so it fell to Narcissa, so its just a vague plotpoint), the author is projecting, they are 11 and 12 when the fic starts, this is litterally one step above a narissa/reader fhakdjhkjahfas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:20:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24958264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garecc/pseuds/Garecc
Summary: Lucius is very out of character in this and cannot even be considered Lucius Malfoy in anything other than name I am stating that first and foremost.Basically, an au where Lucius was under imperius most of his life. Lucius/Narcissa.All this is is an excuse for me to write about Narcissa being sweet. If you want sweet narcissa read this. If not, don't. Simple.
Relationships: Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy
Series: A Ballad Of Magic And Terror [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1509704
Comments: 5
Kudos: 57





	if a flower can grow in cracks in a wall, love can grow here (if only you would let it)

**Author's Note:**

> okay so before i go into how absolutely gay for narcissa i am, some notes on the au:  
> \- Lucius has been under imperius his whole life.  
> (The purpose of making this au was so i could write Lucius/Narcissa without hating myself bc canon Lucius is fucking AWFUL. Canon Narcissa is as well but she-who-must-not-be-named and is a joke of an author can choke on my writing. Narcissa is pretty and I'm a simple gay)  
> \- honestly i just............................ im gay got narcissa and needed to write something
> 
> this fic is a very thinly veiled fic of me pining incessantly after Narcissa her hair is so pretty, NOT movie Narcissa her hair is ugly as fuck I'm talking mental image Narcissa. Mental Image Narcissa has the exact same hair as the girl i have has a crush on for like 7 months now sdfhkdjhfjkfhkjafshk i think she. might. know of my ao3 so I'm not. gonna describe her but she has. the prettiest eyes and nose and her hair and hhhhholy shit I'm gay for people with blond curly hair i just CANNOT FUNCTION
> 
> Lucius is just ooc he's not Lucius literally dont read this if you want accurate Lucius I'm just a pining mess for narcissa its awful

Lucius drifts.

He drifts and he's been drifting for so long he doesn't even know how to pull himself back into what they call his body.

It's never been his.

Not really.

Not in a way that matters.

He floats through life, not really listening, not really thinking. 

Sometimes he snaps back into what has never truly been his body and stares out his eyes and tries desperately to think and know what's happening

But everything is so loud and Lucius has always been a quiet person so he sinks into his thoughts and lets the world wash over him.

He's awful at conversations. Awful at talking. He walks and smiles and speaks and its all muscle memory that he doesn't remember learning.

He writes his name and his father's handwriting looks back and he can't care because he's so deep inside his mind that as his teachers call his name ("Mr. Malfoy are you listening?") And all he can do is nod)

He doesn't remember days weeks months. Time drip drops like a roaring river past him while he stands on the bank watching its flow.

It could be a moment or a year between his blinks and he can't recall whats between them.

He looks out through his eyes and speaks with his mouth. There is a soupy fog between him and any impact he makes in the wider world.

Sometimes people talk to him. Try to befriend Heir Malfoy. 

He watches out his eyes and forms words with his mouth. 

But Lucius can't follow conversations, can't read the social cues, can't focus long enough to discuss anything beyond small talk. Beyond muscle memory.

"How was your day?"

They ask

"How was your break?" 

They ask

"How are you?"

They ask

Lucius doesn't know.

They call him weird, they say there is something wrong with him. 

They whisper, they frown.

"He never talks." 

One says

"He doesn't speak right."

Another adds

"He stares off into space constantly."

The third mumbles.

It hurts on some level that isn't so deeply intertwined with fog he can no longer feel it, but Lucius Malfoy just nods along nods along nods along.

He gets confused. He can't follow things. He tries to keep up good grades but his mind is so full of misty holes that he can't keep them up.

His teachers ask if he's okay and the fog says "yes of course nothing is wrong." and Lucius smiles and his brain presses forward and time stops being as much of a factor as he smiles and walks and talks and is.

Drip drop says the roaring river. How long has it been? Drip drop says the roaring river.

Lucius nods along nods along nods along.

He almost feels like he's floating. It's some point in time. The sun is probably still up. He might have been to class. 

Then someone takes his hand. 

He's so untethered to his body he's only vaguely present. Looking down on what's happening as the soupy mist grows ever thicker.

Drip drop says the roaring river. He doesn't know how long he's been sitting here.

"You're Lucius Malfoy right?"

He responds. He doesn't remember quite what he said. Fog spilling from what are theoretically his lips. 

"I'm sorry that I haven't been able to introduce myself before now. I'm Narcissa Black." Says the person that's holding the appendage that's probably his hand.

At his blank look blank face blank self blank existence, she frowns. 

"..your betrothed?"

And the mist dissipates as the fog relents and he's crashing down into his body into his flesh into the physical form. 

Woosh goes the roaring river.

He can feel his fingers his toes the breath in his lungs. They're in a hallway he's sitting on a ledge what floor is this where is he? "Oh!" His voice comes out more of a squeak more of a whisper more of a too-loud sound that isn't quite right. Nothing is quite right. 

"Oh. Right." He finally says finally responds finally thinks.

"...are you alright?" Her voice is lilted a bit annoyed. Possibly concerned. 

He doesn't meet her gaze but her eyes are wide and full of sparking concern.

Lucius has no idea how to answer that question. So he stays silent and just stares at her. Stares at the space that she is in. 

There isn't a script for meeting the woman he knows he'll one day marry.

No muscle memory for this.

"Malfoy? Hello?"

"I'm. I'm okay?" It's more of a question than anything. 

"You don't sound quite sure of that." She says and she lets go of his hand.

Somehow, it feels like a great loss.

"You looked really out of it." She admits. 

Lucius doesn't know how to respond to that. "I think I was." Is what he says. 

"..that doesn't make much sense." She says slowly. 

Lucius shrugs. He feels almost dizzy. He doesn't remember the last time he ate anything. He slides off the ledge.

He says nothing. 

Somewhere in his head, he counts his fingers. He still has 10.

"I'm not very good at talking to people." Is what he says after it becomes clear she was seeking another response. "Sorry."

"Oh," Narcissa says. "Okay. Well. We should talk more as we're going to get married."

"Okay." Is what he says. "..Do you know where in the castle we are?"

"The 5th-floor left corridor."

"Ah. Okay."

"Why were you here if you didn't know where you were?"

Because when he feels like less than half of a person he doesn't know where he is half the time. Because the fog in his head is thicker than usual. But the usual isn't even fog.

"I don't know." Is what he says. He's so tired. 

Narcissa stares at him for a few seconds. "We're going to be friends." She says firmly. "Because I'm not marrying someone I don't like."

"Okay," Lucius says. Because he doesn't have the energy to think of any other sort of response.

"What do you like doing?" She asks and they are walking now. When did they start walking? Between thoughts? Probably towards the dorms.

"I don't know." He says. What does he like doing? "Drawing, reading."

"What do you draw?" 

"Oh. I don't know. Things." Lucius says like this is a real answer. 

"Things. Like what?" She asks, more insistently now.

He has to think about this. When was the last time he had drawn something?

He had drawn a bird. Hadn't he?

He couldn't remember.

"Birds, sometimes." Is what he finally says. Because he had drawn a bird at least once. 

"Oh! Okay." 

Lucius feels like he's been chewing on static. "I'm sorry." He says, and he doesn't even really know what for. 

She must find him terrible at conversation. Everyone does.

"Why?" She asks.

Lucius doesn't know how to answer that. 

"Why are you apologizing?" She asks again, as if he hadn't heard him.

"I'm bad at talking." Is what he says. "You must find me awful to talk to."

"No?" She looks almost concerned now. "You're just... Awkward. It's fine. You don't have any friends. That's expected. Other than me of course. Because we're friends now."

For some reason that makes Lucius a lot more emotional than he expected it would. 

There is fog under his tongue, but somehow, he knows he likes this Narcissa.

"Oh. Okay." Is what he says. Other than anything meaningful.

She smiles. It doesn't quite reach her eyes. She takes his hand again, and squeezes it. "But because we're friends now, you have me to talk to. So you can be less awkward."

That makes sense. It makes something inside his chest warm. He isn't sure what he thinks of it.

"Oh. Alright." 

She doesn't let go of his hand, as she opens the door to the common room. She pulls him inside. He follows. Not quite sure what they were doing.

She sits down on the couch and he sits as well. "We're going to tell each other about ourselves." She announces. "Because we are friends."

Lucius knows he doesn't have much of a self to talk about, but as usual, Lucius nods along nods along nods along.

* * *

Narcissa is nice.

Her smiles are the sun, and her laugher birdsong.

Lucius draws her. Her smile. Her eyes.

She's good at talking, good at keeping him in a conversation.

Good at dealing with him.

He isn't sure what to think of it.

He decides he likes it.

She loves his drawings.

She laughs and smiles and talks to him like he's a full person. Like his eyes aren't empty and his gaze unfocused.

Like he isn't a shell of something that once could have been a person.

He decides he definitely likes it.

* * *

Lucius doesn't exactly know what pushes him to talk to Narcissa.

He just feels like there is nothing inside him and the fog isn't quite thick enough to block it out.

So after hours of feeling the nothing the odd white, the bubble, the void.

Drip drop says the roaring river. Time isn't palpable. 

He stares out his eyes and sees her. He listens with his ears and can tell she and her sister are talking. He walks with his feet over.

Narcissa and him have been talking more. 

Well, she's been talking to him more. He's been slightly better at answering with meaningful responses.

He's tried to say he's doing his best but he doesn't know how to say that without being a fool.

He feels empty. Like there is a void inside him.

Narcissa says he's her friend. He thinks she may be lying, but he needs to talk to someone. He doesn't want to zone out so bad.

"Narcissa?" His voice is foreign as he talks. She startles and looks over.

She says something to his sister that his ears don't tune into.

("Bella? I'm gonna go talk to him."

Bellatrix nods and is already leaving.)

"Hey, Lucius."

"Hi." His voice sounds all wrong and this was a bad idea. 

"Is... Everything okay?"

He wants to lie and say yes.

Instead, he just stares at her and there is something inside him that's about to crack and shatter and he just stares at her. No words coming.

"Lucius, hey, focus." She snaps a few times and he focuses on her a moment. 

"I think I need help." Is what he finally says. 

"What do you mean you think?"

He thinks his hands might be shaking.

He tries to say something but nothing comes out when he opens his mouth. He just looks away. 

"Lucius. Lucius look at me." She takes his hand and he manages to look at her. "What's going on?"

"I think I'm having a mental breakdown." He says this before any better words come. 

"..what?"

"We are friends. I think. You said we were. I'm-" he cuts off his voice and his hands are shaking he knows it. He doesn't know what he's doing. "I don't think I should be alone. You can leave though."

"...okay," Narcissa says slowly. "Okay. Where's your dorm? Let's get out of the common room."

"That's a good idea." She's still holding his hand and that's enough of a focus that he manages to start walking towards his dorm. 

They get inside, she shuts the door.

Lucius just stares at her a moment.

He doesn't know what to say.

"Alright. What's happening?"

She asks, and she leads him to the bed. He sits down. 

"I'm sorry."

"You haven't done anything. Lucius what's happening?"

He bursts into tears. Curling over his arms and he's suddenly sobbing and he can't stop and she's next to him now. He feels her hand on his back and he can't stop and she's talking and he can't hear her.

He's nauseous and scared and he's never cried like this in front of someone.

He might have cried for 10 minutes.

He might have cried for a half-hour.

Drip drop says the roaring river and time isn't here right now.

As soon as he starts crying the tears dry and he curls around his knees.

He's vaguely aware that he's shaking. 

"Lucius?"

He can't talk right now. He just shakes his head. 

She takes his hands, and runs her thumbs over his fingers. He decides that is comforting and doesn't pull away. "Did something happen?"

He nods. Then he shakes his head. Then shrugs.

"Alright. Okay." She just keeps holding his hands. It's more than enough to keep him grounded. "You can cry more, it's okay."

He doesn't know if he can. He just shrugs.

"Alright. Alright. You're shaking a lot, Lucius. Do you want me to do anything? Get you something to drink?"

She's concerned, a faraway part of his brain notes. 

He shrugs.

He can't talk right now.

"Can you talk?"

He shakes his head.

She nods, and grabs a piece of paper and a quill and a hard book for him to write on.

His hands shake as he grabs it.

"Alright. So. What happened?"

Lucius shrugs. "I don't know." He writes. "Thank you for sitting with me."

"Something must have happened to cause this."

"I've been worse than usual lately. I think that things just added up. I don't know." His handwriting is sloppy. He's just glad it isn't his father's.

"You're shaking so much, Lucius."

"That's fine."

"It's not!"

Lucius shrugs. He doesn't know how to respond to her concern.

They lapse into silence, and Lucius curls tighter around his knees.

"Why did you get me?" Narcissa asks suddenly.

"Because you're the only person who talks to me. I didn't want to be alone." He writes. "And I like you. You're nice and you have a sweet smile. You ask me about myself and listen no matter how detached my answer is. You make an effort to talk to me even when I can't really think right."

Narcissa stares at the writing for a moment. "What do you mean by you can't think right?"

"I zone out. Talking to you gives me something to focus on."

"You get this blank look and you sometimes don't hear me. Is that what you mean?"

"I feel like I'm surrounded by fog sometimes. I can't reach through it and my body just keeps moving through the motions." He writes and immediately feels guilty for telling her this. "Don't worry, though. Talking to you makes it a lot better. Sometimes. So does holding your hand."

Narcissa looks at him with just, concern. "Lucius thats- that sounds awful."

He shrugs. "I don't remember much, to be honest. It just feels like I'm drifting until I'm not." 

Narcissa takes his free hand again. "Can you tell me when you feel like that? Like you're drifting?"

Lucius considers this. "Maybe." He writes. 

"Alright," Narcissa says, and she squeezes his hand. "What helps you, when you're.. Zoning out?"

"I don't know. No one has ever tried to help."

"Do your parents know?"

Lucius tenses, he doesn't want to think about Abraxas. 

Narcissa seems to realize her mistake.

"Alright. No mentioning parents got it."

He's thinking about Abraxas. 

There is nothing in his brain.

He focuses on his hands. On her fingers. 

"Lucius." Her voice cleaves through his swirling thoughts of nothing and he realizes he does have a desire.

"Can you hug me?" He writes. 

She pauses, then nods. Pulling him into a hug. He buries his head into her shoulder and somehow, despite the nothing, he's never felt more real. 

He doesn't manage a verbal thank you, can't quite talk yet, but her small laugh at how his arms wrapped around her was confirmation enough that this was okay.

"Lucius. If you need me again just come get me."

He can't quite tell her he will, but as he presses his face into her neck, he's fairly sure she gets the message. 

"I'm glad you trust me enough to let me be here for you."

Lucius thinks he might be crying again as she strokes his hair. 

* * *

"How did you get this scar?" Narcissa asks as she traces over the angry red line across his arm. 

Lucius doesn't know. So he shrugs. "I don't recall."

"Ah."

"I'm glad you're still talking to me. Even after everything."

"We're going to be married. It would be rude of me to not talk with you."

It had never occurred to Lucius that possibly the only reason she was doing this was because of their betrothal.

"Lucius?"

"It's nothing." He says too quickly.

"Lou.."

"Is that the only reason you put up with me? That we're betrothed?"

Narcissa flinched. "Oh, Merlin no Lou I didn't mean it like that."

"Then what did you mean it as?" He asked possibly a bit too defensively.

"I- I shouldn't have said that. I mean at first maybe-"

Lucius pulled away from her hands. He felt like he was spiraling downward. "What do you mean?" His voice is firmer than he thinks he's ever had it.

"I thought you were, I don't know. Wierd?"

That cuts deep, and Narcissa must notice because she immediately presses forward. "But it's- I don't think that now. You have your oddities but that doesn't matter. You're my friend, Lou. I like you as a person. You might be a bit off at times but you're sweet. You try your best. I like you. Even if the betrothal were called off I'd still be here for you."

"Okay," Lucius mumbles and forces himself to settle. It doesn't work. 

"Hey. Hey. Can I hold your hands again?"

He lets her take them. He thinks he might be trembling a bit.

She's soothing. The way she holds his hands is soothing.

"Do you believe me? That I'm talking to you for more than our marriage?"

Lucius thinks about this. And decides that yes. He does. "Yes."

"Okay. It's true. You're a good person, Lucius. I'm glad I know you."

Lucius nods, and rests his head on her shoulder.

"You're the only person I can hold a conversation with. Thank you." He says eventually.

Narcissa doesn't know if this is supposed to be a compliment. "So... Anything interesting happen?"

* * *

"Lou. Lou hey. Hey." Narcissa's voice filters through the blinds on his brain.

Some part of his swirling brain hears her worry.

Most of his swirling brain is void.

"Hey hey look at me. Look me in the eyes."

Oh right. He has eyes. He blinks a few times. Looking out them. 

"Lucius. Look at me."

He manages to raise his gaze to her face. Probably.

"My eyes, Lucius. Look at my eyes."

He slowly does.

"There you are. Okay. I want you to tell me 5 things you see, okay?"

He has a voice. Right. 

"You." He breathes voice shaking. "The freckle on your cheek." His eyes flit behind her. "The- the curtains. The wall."

"That's four."

"The clock."

"Okay. Can you tell me 4 things you hear."

"The clock. Ticking. Um. Footsteps. Distant talking. You?"

The world is filling in around them. He's aware of his breathing. Aware of Narcissa's so so concerned face.

She looks scared.

"Hey. There you are." Her voice drops into that familiar tone.

"Hi." His voice is soft. Softer than usual.

"Okay. Are we good? Can you focus?"

"I um. I think? Maybe. I think I need to go lay down."

"Did something happen?"

"No. Um. Maybe. I don't know."

"Lou, you were really out of it. You wouldn't even look at me."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize. It's okay."

Lucius was silent. "What time is it?"

"Class starts in about an hour. Did you even sleep or were you out here all night?"

"I don't know, Narcissa."

"...you should talk to the healer. This isn't normal."

"I've always been like this."

"That doesn't make it good!"

"I know." Lucius let his head fall into her shoulder. He feels her arms wrap around him and focuses on how warm her skin is against his. "But I have you now." He mumbled. "Maybe that's good enough."

* * *

"Your father does WHAT?"

"Narcissa.."

"He keeps you under imperius??"

"Narcissa."

"I'm- I'm going to kill him."

"Narcissa."

"He can't just- he can't DO THAT!"

"Narcissa."

"What!"

"It's fine. It's always been like that."

"Lucius!"

"It's- it's fine. There's nothing you can do anyway. He's Lord Malfoy."

"He-"

"There's nothing you can do," Lucius said again, even smaller this time. "If you try he might call off our marriage or- or make me switch schools. Or something else just as horrible."

"Lucius."

"I don't want to lose you."

Narcissa pressed a kiss to his cheek. Effectively stunning him into silence. "It's not okay what he does to you."

"... I know."

"And the moment I can, I'm going to get you away from him."

"...okay."

"I promise."

* * *

Narcissa kissed his cheek, and Lucius smiled weakly into her shoulder. "See you next school year. Or hopefully some party between." Narcissa murmured in his ear. "Remember to write me."

"I'll try," Lucius said with a watery smile. "If I don't write back I'm sorry."

"You will."

"Cissa. Hurry up." Bella said, hardly sparing Lucius a glance. "You can write your boyfriend later come on."

"Bye, Lou."

"Bye."

And with that Bellatrix tugged Narcissa away, and Lucius took a steadying breath as he gazed around for whomever would be picking him up. He didn't spot Abraxas in the crowd. 

Lucius sat, and stared.

He already missed Narcissa.

* * *

Lucius was drifting again. Floating. His father's voice echoed around him. 

("Your betrothed is at this party, go talk with her.") 

He nodded, agreed. Said something with his lips. Then his father walked away and Lucius stood there. Adrift amongst the people. 

A hand seized his, pulled him aside. Pulled him to an empty room. "Lucius. Hey."

A hand cupped his cheek. The fog swam in his skull.

Another hand traced circles on the back of his palm. "Loulou, it's me. I'm here."

The nickname jolted through him, and Lucius for the first time in weeks truly focused. 

"Oh. Hey." He whispered, tears already collecting in his eyes. 

She was pulling him into a fierce hug already. 

"I missed you." He mumbled. 

"I know. I know. But we're together for a few hours."

"Where are we?"

"One of the Black estates. Come on. Let's go to the garden. The good one guests aren't allowed in."

"But I'm-"

"And it's my house." 

She tugged him along, and Lucius just followed.

They sat in a loveseat, overlooking a rose garden.

"I missed you," Narcissa admitted quietly, squeezing his hand. "I'm so glad you're okay."

They sat on a loveseat, Lucius curled against her side.

"So.. You haven't answered my letters."

"What letters?" The note of fear in his voice started him.

Narcissa froze, immediately seized his hands. "It's okay. Alright then. You haven't been getting them. That's fine."

Narcissa kissed his cheek. "I don't want you to freak out, just relax. We're okay. You're okay. For right now you can relax. I'm not letting him hurt you."

Lucius pressed his face into her shoulder. "I love you." He mumbled. 

Narcissa went still, then exhaled slowly. "That's a good thing because the moment we turn 17 we're getting married and I'm getting you away from him."

"Okay." 

"Just relax for now. I'm here. You're with me. It's okay."

"Sorry."

"No, no it's okay. This isn't your fault. I'm just- sort of freaking out. You haven't looked like that since months before last year ended. Are you in any pain? Is anything hurt?"

"I don't know. Maybe? Probably. I'm- I'm scared. Also relieved you're here." 

He says quietly. He'd been getting better at emotions. "Also I have a headache."

"It's alright. We're going to be alright." Narcissa said and he had a feeling it was more for herself than him.

"Narcissa?"

"Yes, Lou?"

"Thank you for caring about me."

Narcissa doesn't seem to know what to think of that, so she just hugs him a bit tighter. "I'll always care about you."

* * *

"Lucius?" Lucius blinked. He was on the train to Hogwarts. Hadn't he just been in the living room? No.. That was wrong.

There had been something else, hadn't there been?

"Narcissa?" He asks, and his entire body is shaking a bit. 

"Hey. Hey oh thank Merlin. You weren't responding. At all. You were just sitting here."

"....what's happening?"

"You didn't answer any of my letters, when What happened?"

"...are we going to Hogwarts?"

"Yes?"

Lucius couldn't help it, he started laughing. And then he was crying. And Narcissa just hugged him. 

"Lucius what's happening?"

"The last thing I remember properly is- I think after that party? I think- bits and pieces are coming back but.."

"Oh my god," Narcissa says. "You were.."

"Since then. Apparently." Lucius is laughing and it's hysterical. 

"Well- I'll buy us some chocolate frogs and drinks, and we'll cope. We're gonna be fine. I'm here and- it will be fine."

"Thank you."

"Come on. I have a compartment saved for us."

* * *

"Lucius you're covered in bruises. Let me see." Narcissa examined his arm scrutinizingly. "Was this your father?"

"Yeah," Lucius mumbled. Today was a bad day. An awful day. He didn't want to go to class. Winter break had been as awful as usual and he just wanted to curl into Narcissa's arms 

If he didn't end up disassociating he would have a panic attack. Neither were great options.

"I'm going to kill him," Narcissa said quietly. "I hate him. I hate him so much."

Lucius was silent, and let her fuss. 

"I'm glad I'm betrothed to you." He finally said, and despite everything smiled.

"Yeah?" Narcissa looked up. "Go on?"

"You're so strong. And kind. And I want no one more to spend my time with. You're so- you're so patient with me. Even though im.. Like this. Thank you."

"Its nothing Lucius." Narcissa smiled, and Lucius melted at the softness in her gaze. "It's nothing."

* * *

"Can I kiss you?" Lucius breathed, smiling down at Narcissa. 

He felt so light, so alive. He laughed as she smiled and stood on her toes, and for a moment she gazed into his eyes.

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to ask." She pressed a kiss to his lips.

It was short, but Lucius smiled wider than he had in months as Narcissa pulled back. "You're beautiful." He laughed. "You're so beautiful."

Narcissa hugged him, smiling into his shoulder. "You flatter me."

"It's true!"

"You're adorable." 

Lucius laughed and for once, he was sure he was okay.

  
  


* * *

They were 17, they were married.

Narcissa was younger than him by 3 months. 

Her parents had been enthusiastic for the celebration, and they had married hardly a week after her party.

But Narcissa threw a fit. Made sure it was a private affair. Threatened to elope with him if they made the party huge.

Lucius was more thankful for that than anything else. He can't do crowds. He can't do music.

If it had been a large affair, Lucius knew he wouldn't have lasted through it.

Narcissa had picked them a house, set everything up, and the moment they were married and the parents satiated they left the wedding to collect Lucius's things.

It wasn't Narcissa's dream wedding she had dreamed of her entire childhood, but seeing Lucius shrivel under his father's unceasing gaze the whole night made getting him away from that man and getting him somewhere entirely, fully safe far more important than kissing him under an arch while her friends cheered and laughed.

But Lucius could hardly manage a crowd regardless. Could hardly manage to talk to more than 3 people at a time without going silent and shaky, unable to talk beyond whispered agreement that he doesn't truly feel.

She would never condemn him to a party like she dreamed of. He would have a breakdown mid reception, and Narcissa loved him far far too much to ever wish him harm.

But well, she had dreamed of stealing him away from Abraxas often enough, so in a way, it was a dream come true.

The moment she saw him that night she knew he wasn't himself. He was standing tall and blank, stoic. False confidence dripped from his gate. Abraxas's hand on his shoulder. 

He looked like everything an Heir should be. He looked like everything Lucius wasn't. Lucius shrivels under attention, hunches as he walks and doubts everything he says, terrified of disagreement. He gets so anxious he makes himself sick and flinches at the slightest movement.

Narcissa knew that he was under imperious the moment she saw him and that hurt her in every way possible.

Of course, Abraxas wouldn't even let them have their wedding.

But then Lucius stopped mid-step, and stumbled. Then stood shakily, matching his previous gate and stance.

His hands were shaking.

It made her sick, to see how easily be recovered from being let off imperious. Made her sick to see how he matched the room.

He was disassociating something awful, his gaze with that blank muted terror behind the ever pleasant blasé smile.

The veil over her face hid her concern.

After tonight he would be safe. She promised herself. After tonight she would ward their house so thoroughly that Abraxas could never enter, and then she would hold Lucius until he stopped shaking, and they would be safe.

She would protect him.

* * *

Lucius hardly remembers the wedding, truth be told.

He came out of imperius walking in, and seeing the people, seeing the task ahead of him he slid into the muscle memory of the fog of Heir Malfoy.

Between the fog, it was loud and so many people were talking to him and touching him and Lucius slipped out of his mind falling into the fog fully.

He remembers kissing Narcissa, though. Remembers it vividly. remembers her smiling into his lips and he remembers her laugh as she pulled back.

Remembers her casting her arms around him as they were married now.

They left the party quickly after, Narcissa doing the lying and Slytherin wit he had never managed to have, apparated them to his manor.

He more stood there in what was supposedly his room as Narcissa packed his things into a trunk.

Sketchbooks, journals, notebooks. Several books.

There wasn't much Lucius wished to keep.

There was nothing here for him, no memories to pack.

Narcissa wrapped the blanket on his bed around his shoulders as he sat there. 

It was warm.

"Narcissa?"

"Yeah, Loulou?"

"...thank you."

"I love you, Lou. It's fine. And we're married. So everything will be fine."

They went home.

Narcissa activated the wards she spun, and the house buzzed with new magic. 

She dragged him to the bedroom and pulled him into her arms. "We're gonna be fine, Loulou. We're gonna be fine."

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> litterally fuck jk rowling narcissa is bi and this projection full version of Lucius who really just isnt lucius is nonbinary anyway I'm gay for narcisssa so like aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


End file.
